Sailing Soul

Hale ipukukui n.

1. Lighthouse
   • Maka i ka hale kukui
   • eyes on the lighthouse

I’ve been stirred this Sunday morning. Even though I got into bed rather early I’m still up at 5:07am. What began as an early evening is turning into an early morning.

I started reading a book my dear friend wrote, “Great. Black. Whole.” It felt as if Elizabeth Blackshine was laying right there next to me. I can say that because we’ve laid together before, some would call it a remembering. Her introduction took me back on our tatami mats in Fujinomiya, processing what we were going through because we chose not to sleep with heavy heads. It’s funny how her book, written in a few weeks, years later, helped pacify the present. I was lulled back to the mattress moored in my hometown of Honolulu and my eyelids grew soft, heavy. I turned the light off and attempted sleep.

Oh, that work email! I sprung back to waking state! I snatched the work phone to finish one more task. Heavens forbid I be reprimanded come morning! Task complete, phone down, crawl back into bed and then.. there I was for a few hours unable to nestle back into the slip, to sleep.

Pen to paper, “I’m unhappy at my job.”

Swirly, swirly, swirly. Delete, delete, delete.

Why? With so much to be grateful for I chose to write about how. How did I find this job? How did I come into this position? The night was instantly a tinge brighter.

It still hurts, feeling lost in the middle of the night. But it’s cleansing to get up and write. As I traverse the chartered waters, the light house shone on the truth that set me free. I see the unchartered waters thanks to the light house.

Is the light blinding me, piercing my heart or is that my gut? I can’t tell, but wherever it is, it feels real. Oh, to feel the feelings rather than escaping, masking or even pointing my fingers! I take a deep look into my hands, I loosen my grip on security, “feeling secure,” and tap into myself, freedom, hands open. The only way to safety is through.

I could’ve ran the other way a long time ago, but that would’ve made me some sort of slave. This new modern practice of staying feels like I get to tap into true safety. We no longer have to run from lions, and may one day have to run from machines. Hah! So while we’re here in our current positions, let’s pause while we have the chance to remember how far we’ve come, creative on where it is to go next.

It’s been a few days since returning to work unrested. I’ve been showing up even when it’s hard and learning to let go of what I can’t control, grasp what I can and find my way through. Traveling or dancing in my freedom is well on it’s way if it isn’t already here. Allowing myself to change lanes, even in my brain, is tapping into my freedom.

Feeling safe can be deceptive, it can even keep you awake through the night. There’s no white picket fence, no vehicle, no container that can ensure your safety. All while containment is not my definition of success anyway. And as I unravel from the lies programmed, I get to create new neural pathways aligned with the truth. It’s electrifying! Beyond any energizer bunny endurance, murky water mysteries, I rather tap into the real stuff.

How? Nourish the trinity within, mind, body and spirit. I’m spending the next few months prioritizing rest so I can fulfill what else I was made to do. I am implementing what I need to feel safe and getting creative on how to make my passion, my living, my life! I’ll be resting, sailing (doing my job) and soaring (reaping the benefits of the taking care of the trinity) in the meantime.